Am I in a rut...again?

Every day in Peace Corps can be a roller coaster, with plenty of ups and downs. Days can seem to go on forever. Yet somehow the end of the week comes too quickly and the work we should have gotten done remains on our agenda. You know, just how life is.

So, this was the status I posted on Facebook this Wednesday:

I awoke at 3:45am with ganas de orinar. After coming back inside I saw a scorpion. Oh, heck no, Mr. Scorpion. I slapped him with my sandal, but kept my hand pressed down on the wall. He stung me just before I let him fall and pummeled his tiny body into oblivion. My middle finger went numb and pain radiated through my hand. Also, my lips tingled. A year and a half of being an overall bad ass scorpion slayer and NOW I get stung...and I'll have you know I only cried for twenty minutes. (1. Bonus points if you know what I'm referencing. 2. Am I joking?) I went to school with a funny sensation in my finger and far too much mucus. Later, a visit from a Peace Corps superior made me feel better about my work, its potential impact, and the future of the program. I ran some errands for my host mom after she fed my boss and me lunch, which involved walking back and forth to several stores in the blazing sun. Then, a student who NEVER approached me before asked me for English help, and we set up a time to meet later. I arrived to his house on time. After waiting a bit too long I debated going home, but he eventually arrived and I helped him for a good hour and a half. I finally felt like I was helping some of the older kids I never see. Now I think I'll just chill with a cat on my lap and watch The Wire.

Yeah, getting stung by a scorpion sucked. Even now my left middle finger hurts a bit. If I pick up something and push a pressure point, I get a stabbing pain at the site of the sting.

Yet I still have (had?) reason to believe my day was a good one. Later on Wednesday, one of the staff members of the Teaching English project came to visit. Her meeting with me was filled with so much content that it's kind of hard to keep it all straight. What I gleaned, though, is that the project, after three years of existence, is willing to start embracing the need for drastic change on many levels. She was considering many options which could give us the chance to collaborate with new government agencies (or different departments within those agencies) in order to effect change more directly. Sounds all fine and good to me.

Then, she asked me if I want to extend my service. I go back and forth on this every day. I had the chance to apply for a position that would have kept me until June, but I somewhat intentionally missed the deadline. I was home and enjoyed that too much to even think about work. Now, there are still a few positions that would allow me to stay, but I don't know if I want to. My visit home sort of pulled me back, made me think my heart is really elsewhere. Or perhaps, just like I was doing for the entire application process of Peace Corps, my mind can't help but be fixated on the next step of my journey.

The meeting went well. During a conversation with the three of us (Peace Corps staff, teacher, and me) I think my counterpart felt a nice, subtle push in the right direction. So of course the next day he talks about how we should sit down to plan. But then today, when it gets right down to planning, the only thing he sits down to do is set in stone our plans for English Week, which we already knew. I was HOPING he would actually tell me where he's going with all his classes, IN DEPTH. It's almost embarrassing to me when I go into his classrooms and have to wonder what he's doing. Shouldn't we be collaborating on this? So, my pre-meeting mindset was actually more realistic. Riding a high from having an optimistic staff meeting is nice, but I need to keep several things in mind:

A) I haven't done the kind of work she (and the whole project) suggests EVER. My teacher and I have only occasionally scratched the surface, and then have backpedaled to the point of serious frustration on my part.

B) My counterpart, like many Panamanians, is great at talking the big game. That's how this and many other schools got a volunteer in the first place. "Sir, are you willing to collaborate with the volunteer and implement co-planning and co-teaching as outlined in our project's action plan?" "Why, yes, person offering to give me a white person for two whole years. Whatever you say." So his ability to smooth talk the staff member and make our work seem more legitimate has little to no basis. UGH!

Then yesterday was mostly shot for two reasons: one) the kids started band practice for the November celebrations and two) we were preparing for a visit from the image of Panama's patron saint. Today was off because it's Friday and everyone's checked out on Friday. So, like I always do, I leave with so many things I know I should have said.

At this point I think, does it really matter what I do? What if by some miracle I get through to my counterpart and am able to give him feedback, able to co-plan and co-teach, and do some good work? It'll only be four months until school's over. And after that I'm done in the school. When school starts next year, I won't be there. So nothing will stop him from yelling at kids to copy faster. "Jesus Christ, you're like an old lady." Nothing will stop him from flexing on kids, threatening to hit them, actually hitting them with paper or pencils, and the like. No one will be there to call him out when he tells a kid that, the next time they make a mistake in Spanish, we'll send him to the indigenous reservation, because only stupid indios make mistakes like that. I have an entire notebook filled with awful things he's said and suggestions for improvement not only on how to better treat kids, how to better manage his classroom, but also how to make English more engaging, less about copying and more about speaking, having fun, getting the kids out of their notebooks, thinking for themselves. But I wonder, does he even care? If not, why should I?


I use other projects to keep my mind off lack of development on the main teaching front. Right now my main secondary project, a regional competition to take place September 20th, is going at about a snail's pace. I can't expect too much, since it's our first run, but I was hoping for more enthusiasm. It sort of peaked back in June, when Becca (another volunteer) and I had explanatory meetings about the technique sorta presentation called Readers Theater. Since then we've sort of put it off, doing one or two meetings and figuring other things out. Only now are we really getting back into the swing of things. So of course that means teachers in the schools who are supposed to be preparing students for the competition have done nothing. Our plan is to visit schools to coach students, but we'd hoped to get support from teachers and not be expected to start from square one. What can I expect though? It's a totally new technique for them and, aside from one meeting, we've given them minimal guidance. I'm hoping the coaching sessions from volunteers will help reinvigorate them.

Hopefully success on this project will allow me to feel accomplished with some sort of finished project on the English teaching front. I could use a small victory on this Teaching English thing, or I'll have to just put volunteer on my resume. Cuz shoot, ain't barely teaching English, except for "Good morning!" and "How many pencils are there?" and Howareyoufinethankyou!"

Home Visit 2

I went home again for a wonderful visit to the States. It was far too short. However, I got to do some wonderful things!


Tigers game! Adam, who works nearby for Quicken Loans, couldn't join us. Mom, Dad, and I waved to him as we enjoyed our ball park dogs.


My best friend since Kindergarten, Philip, got married on June 29th, and I was fortunate enough to be a member of his wedding party. I got dressed up in a fancy tuxedo and did the whole thing with the walking down the aisle accompanying a bridesmaid, taking fancy pictures, and being a mini-celebrity at the wedding. Of course, those two people who had gotten married kind of stole my thunder, but I guess that was fine with me. Philip and Lauren looked so happy that day. On top of that, the food and company was great, too!


My brother and I could stop traffic, pretty much.


Some family came in from out of state to visit. One of those was my Mom's youngest brother, my uncle, who has a son I'd never met. We spent some quality time with him. One day we went to the Detroit Zoo. I hadn't been there in years, so it was a pleasant surprise to see how beautiful it is. The polar bear exhibit was especially amazing. We got lucky, and one of the bears came swimming across the viewing tunnel when we were there. He put his massive paws on the glass several times, swam back and forth, and basically put on a show for our viewing pleasure.


Along with the Tigers game, which allowed my parents and me to walk around Midtown (and catch a post-game meal in Mexicantown), the zoo was a chance to see some local attractions. It's nice to be reminded how much Detroit has to offer. I got pangs of nostalgia from my days in Summer in the City, and it made me think yet again how I want to find my way there some day.


On July 3rd, I joined some family at Salute to America at Greenfield Village, a Metro Detroit favorite. I'd never been before. It's a fantastic way to celebrate the 4th of July. Fireworks accompanied by the Detroit Symphony Orchestra? I can think of nothing better for the occasion.


On the 4th itself, my aunt hosted all the family at her house...pool included. Not pictured is me lounging on an inflatable lounge chair. Hamburgers? Check. Hot dogs? Check. S'mores? Psh, you know it! Too much food? So much so that my Peace Corps self kept thinking, "Gosh, I wish there were some chickens around to eat the leftovers."



Those were just the appetizers! There you can see Grandma, who was just beaming from having all six of her children there and an old friend from Eagle Pass, Texas. Sitting with the round table of Chicanas gave me the opportunity to flex my Spanish speaking in front of some family members. I mean, a year and a half in Panama? I'd better have something to show for it!

Time flew by during the week and a half I was in the States. People kept asking me what I want to do when I get back, which used to seem so far away. Now I realize it's only 8 months until the end of my service. Incredible. What will I do with myself? Uhhh...(stuffs face with Triscuits and cheese)

Site Guilt

Among many Peace Corps volunteers, both in Panama and other countries, there exists a phenomenon known as site guilt. We volunteers are placed in one community, our site, where we live and work for our two-year service. Several volunteers get lucky and are placed in sites with active community members, well-established programs ready to embrace a volunteer's participation, suggestions, or expertise, willing counterparts, and program sectors that build off work already done. On the other hand, some volunteers get placed in communities whose community members may seem hostile or unwelcoming, counterparts unwilling to adapt or open their minds to new ideas, or sites that simply do not have any initiative under way, which is a mammoth void for the Peace Corps volunteer to fill. Being the first volunteer in a community often creates this scenario, or being the first in a new sector, such as my own. Most of us fall somewhere in between that space of ideal and nightmarish site.

If you have a troublesome site, you may struggle to complete projects, and therefore, to feel accomplished in your service. Volunteers, much like myself, often seek time out of site to find activities and projects that allow them to feel needed, to feel relevant. For example, the majority of my work has been through GAD initiatives, the camps and youth workshops I have done. I should be very content that I have found something that allows me to use my knowledge and skills to serve this country and my own. However, I always have something in the back of my mind reminding me what I kinda sorta should be doing: Teaching English volunteer. My primary sector work, Teaching English, is almost nonexistent because my teachers are content with their way of doing things. Although my experience and training have armed me with a plethora of methods, ideas, and activities, my skills have stayed, for the most part, on the shelf because I do not collaborate with teachers in the way I can, or should. Teachers here are often unaccustomed or uncomfortable with the level of work volunteers suggest and attempt to implement. So after struggling for a while, I have decided to back off and work in other ways at the school. My work with the elementary English teacher is limited. I now teach a computer class (basic typing) for 4th, 5th, and 6th grade students, and try to instill discipline and proper classroom behavior during my time with them. Hopefully, that will help. Yet, as my sector is called Teaching English, I feel like that's what my main work should be. Cue the guilt.

Whenever a volunteer leaves his or her site, even if it's to collaborate on another volunteer's project, we feel guilty. Like we should be doing more work where we are "supposed to be" working, trying harder, pressing our counterparts. We may struggle to get people to care in our sites, but we feel that it's our cross to bear, since the Peace Corps has placed us here. What else can we do but keep fighting? Aquí en la lucha, here in the fight, we keep grinding. Every time I leave site, either to work on GAD things or to work on a new project I'm doing (which I'll explain later), I feel like my site is missing out on an important resource: me. But of course, it's partially my fault for not being assertive enough, or trying hard enough. Or is it? We vacillate between blaming ourselves and our circumstances. Honestly, blame is shared between many parties, which includes volunteers, host country nationals, and the organization. Often, sites are developed without proper research. Volunteers are assigned based on connections between government officials, principals, teachers, or whatever else. Nepotism can doom a volunteer to a site whose teachers want to look elite with an American's presence in the school, but who will not take the time out of their schedule to plan their lessons with the volunteer. What can we do? I mean, what can we DO?

We do what we can. Although most of the time I may feel like I'm doing very little, it's not true. I think this blog has already demonstrated that. Coming home and explaining my work to friends and family also allows me to step outside myself and realize that.

So the time I'm spending here is not fruitless, although I may occasionally feel that way. That desire for more, for relevance and accomplishment, is exactly what proves that our hearts are in the right place.