Life in Reverse

Preparation for the Peace Corps has forced me to look back. I've been cleaning out closets and drawers, emptying their contents and deciding what to take with me and what to throw or give away. Even more difficult is considering what I'll actually want to see when I get back. It's a daunting process, which is why it's taken several days.

What started as a organized and streamlined process has devolved into a stroll down memory lane. I've already come across a number of relics: a silver chain, a gift from my Grandma for my First Communion; the keys to a chest in the basement, a handmade gift from my Grandpa Chet for my high school graduation; a three-peso bill from Cuba from my recent Glee Club trip; warm fuzzies from the Dicks and Janes retreats, etc. Obviously, I'm keeping that stuff, but there are plenty of other things that fall into the gray area. It's a lot. Now that I have this opportunity to strip down to the bare essentials and basically start over, part of me wants to purge everything. At the same time, this is my chance to look back and appreciate the great life I've lived until now and preserve those memories. Concert programs, my first driver's license, librettos from musicals past...all these things tell the story of who I am. I won't say who I was, because it's still me. I just don't want to forget any of it while I'm gone.

All this cleaning out has made me live in reverse, which also inevitably distracts from the recent future. I kind of feel like I'm going into this whole thing ass first. People keep asking me questions I can't answer. I don't know where I'll be living during my service. I don't know how often I'll be able to come home and visit. I don't know what will happen if I decide to leave early. I just don't know. I have no idea what to expect from this experience. For the most part, I'm going in totally blind, all the while looking back hoping that home will be there when I get back. I'm finally leaving home, and it's likely that I won't ever live there again. Should I call it a quater-life crisis? I guess at this point I have to whip back into drive and live. I have to willingly give up my life here-even with all the uncertainty that lies ahead-in order to discover a new one.